Juicy Couture Nylon Baby Tote

Last weekend, I visited a friend who had a baby a few months ago. I should preface this by saying, I’m not much of a kid person. Babies to me are messy, noisy, confounding creatures. They’re the worst kind of attention whores because you can’t even blame them for being attention whores! Needless to say, I don’t have any rugrats running around. Although, I do enjoy all the little euphemisms people have come up with for kids. Ankle biters. Crumb snatchers. Remote retrievers. Footrests. What? Ok, I made those last two up. And of course, tax deductions, a nickname which does give me pause, but then I come back to my senses and remember that if I had a kid, I’d be spending most of my disposable income on it rather than the handbags and shoes that only require storage space and don’t wake me up at three in the morning with incessant screaming that I have to play 20 questions to decipher just to make it stop. So back to my friend. I noticed that she was using just a regular tote bag for all the baby’s stuff—I swear, that kid requires a freaking entourage just to carry all the crap it needs to get through the day—and she kept having to dig through this bag just to find the binky—her word, not mine—to keep the kid busy so we could say more than two words to each other without being rudely interrupted. Why she hasn’t gone and bought a proper diaper bag, I really don’t know. But it got me thinking that maybe some of you out there are toting around babies now too, and could use a little help finding all the stuff required to keep the baby happy. I swear, they’re higher maintenance than Paris Hilton. Anyway, I was surprised to find designer baby bags! Check out this Juicy Couture Nylon Baby Tote.

Ok, first of all, yeah, I went with the obvious pink because I know most of you out there who have babies, or want babies, or like babies will tilt your heads and say, “Awww!” and instantly ovulate at the thought of a little baby girl you can buy all pink accessories for. Are you finished? Good. Moving on. If pink is a bit too cliché for you, or you have a boy, it also comes in black. The bag is made of nylon, so when the baby starts spewing all the various bodily fluids it expels on a regular basis—hold on, I just threw up in my mouth a little—it can be easily wiped up. It does have leather trim, though, so tell the baby to direct its spitup at the nylon portions of the bag. kthxbaibaby. The bag has a large front exterior pocket, and two side pockets to hold bottles or whatever like holsters. You gotta be quick on the draw with those things when the baby starts making a racket. There’s also a large zip compartment in the back for the baby’s unmentionables. Oh, and mommies? A diaper is not an outer garment, ok? Cover it up. No one wants to see that. The platform bottom will help the bag stand upright so you can hold the kid with one hand while getting what you need with the other. It’s lined with logoed fabric that has even more pockets for even more of the baby’s crap. The Juicy bag also comes with a changing pad, terrycloth wipe, and a terry bib. It has a zip closure, but also a magnetic closure that’s easier to get open with one hand. And hey, because it’s Juicy, it’ll set you back a little. But it’s ok because you’re getting a tax deduction on Junior, right?! So you can totally fork over the $298 for this bag at Zappos.com, right?

Budget Saving Alternatives

Yeah, I didn’t think so. See, there’s another thing about babies, other than the noise and the mess and the way they expect you to be all oogy when they just look at you. I know what you’re up to, baby! And I’m not falling for it. You can make all the goofy faces you want, and drool until there’s a puddle in your lap, but I won’t cave. Anyway, the other thing is, babies are freaking expensive! From day one! Have you seen those hospital bills?! No wonder some people have their kids at home. It’s not for a cozy, holistic experience. Oh no. It’s because kids don’t even wait until they’re teens to start asking for money. Right out of the gate, they’ve got their hands out. I see how you are, baby. Not. Falling. For it. So yeah, three hundred bucks for a baby bag means that baby better be carrying it and changing its own diapers, and we know THAT won’t happen. But it’s ok because I’m looking out for you, even if your baby isn’t. Check out this Hoohobbers Dots Blue Messenger Diaper Bag. Ok, first of all? It’s called Hoohobbers. That is just adorable. Seriously. Even more adorable than your baby. Deal with it. Second, pale blue with brown polka dots?! Bonus! And this isn’t the only awesome bag made by Hoohobbers. When you click this link, cruise around and look at all the baby bags they have. Heck, it almost makes me want a baby just to have a collection of their gorgeous baby bags! Almost. Ok, not even close. But you get the idea. It’s made from a cotton blend with nylon lining, has a ton of pockets, and zips closed to keep everything secure. It also comes with a changing pad. It’s a steal at just $70 at Endless.com.

Now, I know those of you out there who have babies aren’t doing all the work alone, right? I mean, the dad’s pitching in, doing his share, and if he’s not, you’ve taken steps to ensure that he will never be able to father a child again, or pee standing up right? Ok then. But still, there’s no need for dad to be walking around with a pink or polka dotted cutesy baby bag. That’s just going too far. So check out this Diaper Dude Diaper Bag. Yeah, that’s the brand—Diaper Dude. Whoever thought that up is a frackin’ genius! It’s a very manly bag to carry all of baby’s essentials, but it still has all the functionality women are used to getting with their frou frou baby bags. First of all, it’s not carried on the shoulder—that’s too purse-like. It features an ergonomic across-the-chest design, which is good for the back and shoulders. In fact, it’s really how all diaper bags should be made. Lugging that baby around wreaks enough havoc on your body, and with the half ton of stuff you have to carry to support said baby, you need to be thinking about your spinal alignment and posture. Seriously. The wide, adjustable strap also has a padded panel for added comfort. The nylon exterior boasts three zip pockets, while the interior offers one large compartment with another zip pocket, and a pouch just for diapers. There are two large elasticized slots on the back, an elasticized bottle pocket, a removable cell phone pouch, and two clips to hold keys or whatever. Finally, the back of the bag is padded to be comfortable while resting against your body, and a padded changing pad is included. Um, why is this bag so much better constructed, and why does it have so many more features for comfort than the bags aimed at women? Yes, men have it so hard, they need all the extra padding because they just pushed another human out of their bodies, right? Oh wait a minute, that was you! Diaper Dude needs a Diaper Dudette line. Just sayin’. This one is available in navy, seen here, and also in gray, brown, and camo. Yes, your man and his baby can be safe from wild animals in the park while blending in with a camo diaper bag. And get this—it’s way affordable. Just $56 at Zappos.com.

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