Sandra, Elin, Robyn, and all the other wives of actors and athletes who have been cheated on, and will be cheated on, we need to have a little talk. Now, I’m not going to say that a man cheating on his wife is the wife’s fault. He’s responsible for keeping his fly zipped once he’s made those vows. But I am going to ask what the hell you were thinking in the first place. Let’s start with you, Robyn. We all know Mel used to be hot. I mean, look at him in Mad Max and the first couple of Lethal Weapon movies. Yeah, baby. He looked so good, we could forgive him the mullet. I mean, it was the ’80s, after all. But several years later, when he started talking about how you were going to hell and he wasn’t, and he built a church in Malibu, and went on that anti-semitic rant when he got arrested for drunk driving. Wow, there are just so many things wrong with that last one. Yet, you stayed. Um, hate to break it to ya, Robyn, but your husband is a lunatic, and you should have left him a long time ago. But you waited until he hooked up with—and impregnated—that Russian girl who’s almost young enough to be his daughter. Really? That was the last straw? Might want to get out earlier next time. Elin, you married a douchebag, plain and simple. If that phony, robotic press conference he gave that was supposed to pass as an apology is any indication of his true self and personality, you screwed up the minute you said “I do.” His ego is astounding, and I have a really hard time believing you never saw that. I don’t know what you were thinking, but you need to kick his ass to the curb and move on. Case closed. And Sandra, you most of all. Seriously, what the hell?! You thought a rough biker dude was a good match for you? Um, have you looked in the mirror lately? Do it. Go look in the mirror, and then look at a photo of that freaky bimbo he hooked up with. Yeah, not a good match, and I don’t just mean superficially. Your lifestyles were completely different even before you got married. His former wife was a porn star. You’ve done some crappy movies (Hello, Premonition.), but you were still way out of Jesse’s league, and now it’s come back to bite you in the ass. It sucks that you’re going through this public humiliation now, especially after you used your Oscar acceptance speech to credit your mom with being able to “have that,” when “that” turned out to be a pile of crap. But really, what did you expect? So in honor of these women, and the many who will come after them, I give you an essential item that every woman needs to have in her closet—the getaway bag. Let’s start with this Frye Blair Hobo weekend bag.
The Blair is made from soft, supple leather that will conform to whatever you put inside the bag. You’ll need at least one change of clothes, a couple extra pairs of panties, your makeup and other toiletries, and some jammies to get comfy in when you wallow in self pity for the next few days after you find out your man is a jackass. Just don’t let that period last too long because he’s not worth it. At least you’ll look good carrying the Blair when you walk out the door. It features lacing and top-stitching details, and a single handle for balanced carrying. The interior is lined with fabric, which offers a back wall zip pocket, and the top zips closed to keep everything secure if you want to take a swipe at his head as you’re leaving. Just make sure you packed something hard and heavy before you do that. I like it in this leaf color, but it’s also available in dusty rose, light brown, and tan. The Blair is also on sale. Usually $468, you can get it for $374.40 right now at Zappos.com. But hurry—there are only three left!
Budget Saving Alternative 1
Ok, so maybe it’s those wronged Hollywood wives who can better afford the Blair. You know what will cheer you up? Besides cutting up all the clothes in his closet the way Sandra Bullock did to her cheating husband in Hope Floats, I mean. Wow, talk about life imitating art, huh? Anyway, check out this LeSportsac Large Weekender in a reverie print. It’s colorful, whimsical, and feminine, and doesn’t look at all like the tattoo on a certain homewrecker’s forehead. It has dual handles for hand carrying, and a detachable shoulder strap that can be extended far enough to convert it into a crossbody bag. Makes running for that plane, train, or automobile much easier. The bag is all nylon fabric, inside and out, with an inner zip compartment, and outer zip pockets. It comes with a small accessory bag perfect for holding all the jewelry he gave you so you can sell it on eBay later. In addition to this print, it also comes in a viva stripe, and arbor black and white pattern. It’s $108 at Piperlime.com.
Budget Saving Alternative 2
If you’d rather be a little more discreet when making your getaway—you never know when paparazzi may be lurking, right? Yeah, I have that problem too.—then opt for this Calvin Klein Weekend Signature Satchel in black fabric with black leather trim. The outer fabric is logoed jacquard, which is great if you’re one of those people who likes to show off what brand you’re wearing and carrying. Inside, the satin lining is also logoed, so there’s no mistaking who made this bag. The roomy interior gives you plenty of space for everything you’ll need to take with you, including his prized wood driver, provided you snap it over your knee a couple of times. But then if you take it, you won’t get to see the look on his face when he finds it sticking up out of the seats of his car. No, better leave it behind. The bag has dual handles, and a magnetic flap closure, and is also on sale. It normally retails for $178, but is just $97.90 now at Endless.com.
