Six Crazy Celebrity Baby Names

By now, I’m sure you’ve heard that Nicole Richie recently had a baby whom she named Sparrow. It’s a beautiful, sort of whimsical name. It makes you think of a delicate bird, wings outstretched in graceful flight, setting a silhouette against the sun. It’s a wonderful name—for a girl. Except she had a boy. So basically, Nicole Richie hates her kid because I have no doubt he’s going to get his ass kicked once he starts school because of his horrible, girly name. I thought her mug shot was appropriate for this post because she’s gotta be guilty of some form of child abuse here.

There was a lot of hoopla (That’s right, I said hoopla. What?) when Gwyneth Paltrow had her kids, too, because she named them Apple and Moses. In case you’re not sure, Apple is a girl. And I’m sure you’ve heard some of the other wacky things celebs have named their kids. Bruce & Demi have Scout, Rumer, and Tallulah. Sylvester Stallone and Jennifer Flavin’s three girls’s names all start with S: Sophia, Sistine (yeah, like the chapel), and Scarlet—but they all have the same middle name: Rose. Imaginative, right? But not nearly as creative as George Foreman naming all five of his sons George. Then there are the New York boys: Brooklyn, David and Victoria Beckham’s son, and Bronx, Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz’s son. Oh, and it’s not just Bronx—it’s Bronx Mowgli. Oy. Finally, you have the old standby weird kid names that Frank Zappa chose—Dweezil and Moon Unit—which were outrageous 25 years ago, but seem tame nowadays.

But all these names are nothing—nothing, I tell you—compared to the horror that awaits you below. I’d name all eight of Jon & Kate’s brood after fruit and birds before I bestowed any of these monikers on a kid. Read on and tell me these celebrities aren’t missing a few marbles, or at the very least, just have some really messed up senses of humor. Whether that crazy in the title refers to the baby names or the celebrities who came up with them, I’ll let you be the judge.

Fifi Trixibelle

An internationally renowned musician, and even a knight in Queen Elizabeth’s court, Bob Geldof has spent his life making music and supporting charities. Even if you don’t know him by name or on sight, you’ve heard his work. Every holiday season, at least one radio station still plays Geldof’s star-studded collaboration, “Do They Know It’s Christmas.” Released in 1984, the list of the song’s contributors reads like an ’80s music history lesson: Bono, Boy George, Simon LeBon, Sting, Paul Young, and 40 others recorded the song to raise money to fight famine in Africa and save starving children. The song was performed at Live Aid on July 13, 1985.

If only Sir Bob were as charitable to his own children. Born in 1983, Fifi Trixibelle was the first daughter for Geldof and Paula Yates. Six years later, they had a second daughter—hang on, I have to take a deep breath here—Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa, who goes by Peaches. Finally, in 1990, Little Pixie was born, and is now simply known as Pixie. (Just in case you’re wondering, yeah, Pixie’s a girl too.) I know parents want to be creative with their kids’ names. It’s no fun to just go with Bob or Mary. But Fifi Trixibelle? It sounds like something you’d name a poodle.

Pilot Inspektor

Oh, if only I were making this one up. But truth really is sometimes stranger than fiction. Jason Lee has played roles major and minor in several Kevin Smith films. Most recently, he played the title role in NBC’s My Name is Earl, which was canceled earlier this year. Before he embarked on an acting career, though, he was headed for a professional skateboarding career. He’s even mentioned in Tony Hawk’s autobiography. Maybe he took a bad spill and landed on his head, or maybe he was just enjoying the sk8ter lifestyle a little too much and it left him a little brain damaged?

Whatever the reason, he and former fiancée Beth Riesgraf had a son together and named him Pilot Inspektor. No, that’s not a typo. Inspektor. With a K. Every time I see that name, all I can think of is Inspector Gadget. What do they call him? Pilot? That’s not much better. Why anyone would saddle their kid with such an awful name is beyond me. It makes me wonder about the role Riesgraf plays on the hit show Leverage, and how close to reality it is. That character is loony and doesn’t even know it. Sort of like someone who would name their kid Pilot Inspektor.

Moxie Crimefighter

Hey! I just had a brilliant idea! Someday, Pilot Inspektor can grow up and marry Moxie CrimeFighter and they can be on a reality show sort of like Jessica Simpson and, uh, who was that guy she was married to? Yeah, him. And the show can be called Inspektor & CrimeFighter, and they can be a married couple who, uh, you know, solves crimes. No? Well, it just seems to me that anyone with names like that should be able to parlay them into some kind of career. If not reality TV, then WWE?

You have to sort of expect some weirdness from Penn Jillette. He and his partner, Teller, have never been ones for traditional anything. It’s how Penn & Teller have made their names in show business, by being irreverent and challenging conventional wisdom. And it’s worked well for them. But hey, do we have to drag the kids into it? Can’t you make your rebellious statements in some other way without torturing the poor kids? If Moxie CrimeFighter isn’t bad enough for you, Jillette and his wife named their second child, a son, Zolten. There’s a quote attributed to Jillette regarding that name: “Zolten is a common Hungarian name, it’s my wife’s maiden name and most importantly, it’s the name of Dracula’s dog.” There’s actually a 1978 movie called Zoltan, Hound of Dracula, but it’s Zoltan with an A. Zolten is, however, Jillette’s wife’s maiden name. It’s just that usually when people use the wife’s maiden name for a kid’s first name, it’s something like Anderson or James. You know, something that won’t get the kid ostracized at recess. I guess big sister Moxie CrimeFighter will have to step in and kick the bullies’ asses for him.

Kal-El

Before Superman Returns came out, rumors were swirling for quite a while that when the new Superman movie was finally made, Nicolas Cage was going to play the title role. Personally, I can’t see it. I mean, Nic Cage is an ok actor and all, but Superman? He just doesn’t have the look. For one thing, Superman didn’t have a receding hairline. Sorry Nic, but it’s true. Superman also fought for truth, justice, and the American way, and despite this growing trend among crazy celebrities, I’m pretty sure it could be considered un-American to name your kid after a comic book character.

Now let me qualify that. If Cage had named his kid after Superman’s alter ego, Clark Kent, with either of those as a first name (but not both, please), I wouldn’t utter a peep about it. But he didn’t. He named his son after Superman’s Kryptonian name, Kal-El. Dude, seriously? Why? I mean, I can understand if you’re a Superman fan, or a comic book fan, or just a big ol’ nerd. It’s fine, really. But naming your kid after a fictitious alien is just wrong. Thing is, Nic isn’t the first guy in Hollywood to name his kid after a comic book character. Kevin Smith’s daughter’s name is Harley Quinn, a character in the Batman series. Not just any character, though. A bad guy! She works with the Joker! So if you’re going to name your kid after a comic book character, at least make it a good guy. What’s next, a kid named Joker? Riddler? Lex Luthor?

Tu Morrow

Apparently, some celebs just think they’re sooo clever. See, if you only saw Rob Morrow‘s daughter’s first name on its own, you might think it was unusual, but you wouldn’t get it. You have to see her full name to understand what he was going for. See what he did there? Tu Morrow. Get it? Oh, that Rob is such a kidder! So witty! And you know, I bet he started a trend. Parents all over the world with other complimentary last names can join in the fun. People with last names like Day, Knight, Ward, Boggan. Think about it. Yeah, there’s lots of fun to be had!

Now imagine how it’s going to go when this kid starts talking and has to introduce herself to people. In person. Out loud.

“What’s your name?”
“Tu.”
“Two?”
“No, Tu.”
“Too?”
“No! Tu!”
“How about if I just call you Mary?”
And if she’s ever in a Spanish-speaking country, she’s really in for it. If you’ve forgotten your high school Spanish, tu is the familiar form of you. So whenever she’s in Spain, Mexico, Puerto Rico, Argentina and the like, her name is You. Nice going, Rob.

Audio Science

No, I didn’t suddenly switch topics to the curriculum available at the local community college. I also didn’t set out to rank these names in any sort of order, but I admit, I did save this one for last because it’s just so horrible. What’s worse, I’d be willing to bet most of you haven’t even heard of the “celebrities” who gave this poor kid (Wondering if it’s a boy or girl? Right.) this name. See, as ludicrous as all these names are, these people carry it off—get away with it, is more like it—precisely because they’re celebrities. We forgive them a lot of the wacky things they do, right? Attacking paparazzi with umbrellas, not wearing underwear with micro-miniskirts and then exiting low-slung cars, marrying K-Fed. Oh wait, that’s all the same person. Anyway, my point is, we tolerate those silly things they do because they’re movie stars, or singers, or Britney Spears.

So Shannyn Sossamon and Dallas Clayton have no excuse whatsoever for naming their son Audio Science. They have very little celebrity to back up that outrageous move. And even if they were better known, I’d still choose any other name in this post over Audio Science. What. The. Hell. You know how sometimes kids aren’t crazy about their first names so they go by their middle names? Poor little Audio doesn’t even have that option. And what’s his nickname, Audi? Oh, good. Now he’s named after a car in addition to a discipline of study. Or maybe he could just use his initials: A.S. Oh yeah, that’s much better. Thank goodness Shannyn gave him his dad’s last name instead of hers, or he’d be in a whole other kind of hell with those initials. And what gets me is, Dallas Clayton writes kids’ books! Aren’t children’s literature writers supposed to be in tune with the angst that kids go through, and to write things to help them through it? They’re not supposed to be the bullies and aggressors in the kids’ lives. So nice going, Shannyn and Dallas. Hope your careers take off so you can pay for the therapy that Audio, and his future siblings Computer and Political, are going to need.