A few weeks ago, we covered seven hot celebrity swimsuit looks. Like most things in life, that post requires something to balance it out. And what better summer send off than seven celebrities who should not be seen in swimsuits? Or at least, should make better choices in the swimsuits they wear. I understand they’re just people and they want to be able to go to the beach with their friends and families like we do and not have to worry about the paparazzi catching them in unflattering poses.
But the fact is, the paparazzi do stalk them, and they know it, so the least they could do is be prepared and spare us the horror in the checkout line, right? Paparazzi or not, some of these celebs just should not be out in public in swimsuits.
Lindsay Lohan
Will someone please give this girl a sandwich? I mean, she’s approaching situation critical. She’s starting to look like an 80-year-old woman with the knobby knees, slightly distended belly, saggy boobs, and no butt. She’s 23 years old, for crying out loud! Now’s when she should have a rockin’ body that hasn’t been spoiled yet by having kids, or becoming a child star has-been. Instead she looks like a concentration camp survivor.
You know what else I don’t get? She just came out with her own line of tanning products a few months ago. Lindsay, you might want to try some of your own product so you don’t look so sickly. And if you absolutely have to put on a swimsuit, it could at least be one that has some boob support. Better yet, just wait until you put on at least 10 pounds before you subject us to this nightmare-inducing view.
Julia Roberts
Looks like the Pretty Woman days are firmly behind her now, with a not-so-firm-anymore behind. Granted, Julia has had three kids. Fine. Then cover up the damage! Ok, you gotta take the kids to the beach, but do you have to do it in a bikini? Put on a one-piece to cover up those stretch marks, and please, for the love of all that is good in the world, cover up the cottage cheese butt.
There is no reason—NO reason—why this woman should be wearing such skimpy bikini bottoms. You know the bottoms are too small when you bulge out over the top. And to top it off, she has her kids’ names tattooed above her butt crack. “Gee, mom. Thanks for the memento. I feel so special that you’ve commemorated my birth by tattooing my name in such a nice spot. Where’s the number of that therapist again?”
Katy Perry
I have no problem if she kissed a girl and liked it, or that she enjoyed the cherry ChapStick, which I think is just gross. But I do have a problem with this, um, swimsuit? I can hardly even call it that. First of all, the pattern is just hideous. Did she put it together from remnants?
And here’s a tip: If you have to keep adjusting and pulling up your bikini top, it doesn’t fit right in the first place. All it’s doing there is covering, not supporting. If that’s what you’re going for, you may as well just put some pasties on and be done with it. Spare yourself the constant tugging. Or how about you just find a swimsuit that fits? But the final straw? The granny panties. What. The. Hell. Katy’s got a cute little body. Why would she choose huge bloomer bottoms like that?! Just what was in that cherry ChapStick?
Kelly Ripa
Hey, I think I went to high school with that guy. Oh wait, it’s Kelly Ripa. You know, it’s more than a little sad when a woman is more ripped than her husband. Now I could look at that all day. There’s a lot to be said for being in shape, especially after having kids. Kudos to her. But good grief, you gotta have a little bit of fat on you for some curve, or you just look like a gym-obsessed 12-year-old boy.
As far as the swimsuit goes, once again I’m going to have to recommend the one-piece. One of those ones with the angled color panels on the sides to make it look like there’s a waist instead of a straight boy body. But also to cover up that extension in the middle of her stomach. No offense if you have an outie, but that’s more than an outie. That’s like an extra arm and it freaks me out. Cover it up, Kelly!
Uma Thurman
Did I just not get the granny panty memo? And being white just makes them look even MORE like granny panties! What were you thinking, Uma? I know you haven’t been around much lately, but dang. You know those paparazzi are lurking anyway, waiting for you to make a mistake so they can sell photos and make a buck. You’re just making it too easy for them wearing a monstrosity like this.
What I don’t get is, she still looks good, even after popping out a couple of munchkins. So why the old lady bathing suit, Uma?! No wonder your former husband took off with the nanny. Should you even be in the water with a cast on your arm?! Bad move, Uma. Why even wear a bikini when you’re going to choose one with huge bottoms that cover up most of your stomach? Do you think a tan horizontal stripe across your belly will be attractive? Just go with the one-piece, please.
Kim Cattrall
Either television wardrobe people have a lot more tricks up their sleeve than we think, or Kim Cattrall has just really let herself go since SATC. Now, on Kim, I can sort of, almost understand the granny panties. I mean, the woman is 53. I can cut her a little slack there. But maybe she should have gotten them with a little skirt to conceal some of those thighs. Yikes. Even the dog is having a fit about it.
And what is with those shoes? On the beach? Seriously? And Kim, the sunglasses. Did you mug a little kid on the beach for those blue plastic uglies? You know, they’re filming the sequel to SATC the movie right now. I hope they have lots of Spanx on the set. She may need to wear a couple of pairs at a time.
Sarah Jessica Parker
This summer send off wouldn’t be complete without mentioning one of my favorite style-or-lack-thereof targets, SJP. This swimsuit is hideous. It doesn’t match, and really, it looks like cotton underwear. Even worse than the swimsuit is how she’s not filling it out. She makes Lindsay Lohan look obese. The only reason it looks like she has boobs is because gravity is doing its thing. I really have to wonder if she’s had them done because no woman that skinny could possibly have boobs that big.
You know, I really hope she laughing in this photo because if not, she’s just developing a dowager’s hump, or osteoporosis due to malnutrition. And she wondered why Maxim magazine named her the number one unsexiest woman alive? SJP, please. Cover up. No one wants to see that.
