Eight Celebrities Who Will Fall Into Obscurity

The celebrity cycle of fame works in odd and mysterious ways. It props up certain celebs at certain times, but just as quickly can strike them down, removing them from the public conscious as fast as it anointed them. Your favorite celebrity might not be one a month from now, but because of the cycle you’ll have a new one in his or her place. Only an elect class of celebrities will last forever in our memories. The rest will fade into obscurity, whether it’s a month or 10 years after they debut.

Modern pop culture is filled with people we love to hate. That works in their favor at first, when the old phrase “there is no such thing as bad publicity” still holds true. Loving to hate someone, however, is a novelty, and all novelties wear off. This is the fuel that powers the celebrity cycle of fame. It works at its own pace, picking off worthless celebrities with ease. Whatever its downfalls, the celebrity cycle of fame, for the most part, eventually gets it right.

Hundreds of celebs will eventually fall victim to the cycle’s powers. Some will avoid it for longer than others, but in the end there is no avoiding it. In this list we try to highlight both types of soon-to-be-obscure celebs: the new ones who will fade fast, and the veterans who have so far staved off the cycle’s downward trend. In any case, don’t expect these celebs to be around much longer.

8. Sasha Grey

It’s every young porn star’s dream: to have a director see one of her scenes and call her up to the big leagues. It rarely happens, though. Every once in a while there’s a Jenna Jameson who can insert herself into pop culture, but that’s the exception. Most will never make it, and if it weren’t for Steven Soderbergh, Sasha Grey wouldn’t have been a known name, except for fans of her adult films.

This brings up the most interesting question about Grey: exactly what does Soderbergh see in her? It’s one thing to see the talent of an actress in a porn star. Maybe she nailed the part of the seductive secretary, and followed that up by playing a sexy soccer mom. With Grey, though, I’m not sure she’s even a good porn actress. Sure, porn is porn, and Grey looks good naked, but couldn’t she put some effort into it? And I don’t mean more “oh yeah”s. You can only say that so many times before it’s unconvincing.

True, Grey turned in the best performance of The Girlfriend Experience, but best is a relative term. She was perfectly in her element with the character, Chelsea, an upscale call girl, but didn’t dazzle, as perhaps Soderbergh had envisioned. Grey was even more out of her element in Smash Cut, a B horror movie from Lee Demarbre. She played a fairly major role as April Carson, but fell completely flat, as she does in most of her pornographic scenes. I just can’t wait to see her play Mini Mart Clerk #2 in her next flick, Quit.

Maybe Soderbergh will turn back to Grey for one of his future films, and maybe she’ll again see the spotlight. But don’t count on it. Grey debuted to a lot of hype, but is already on the downward trend. Chances of her landing another non-porn flick are still still existent, but two more? Not a chance. She’ll head back to the land of pornography, where she’ll continue to lie there emotionless. Jizz moppers around the country will be happy for that.

7. Vince Vaughn

How long can one actor survive playing just one role — and playing himself at that? Vince Vaughn broke through with his performance in Swingers, a role Jon Favreau must have written specifically for him. Ever since, Hollywood casting agents have kept him in their rolodexes, ready to call whenever a director needed someone to play the consummate asshole.

That isn’t to say that Vaughn didn’t try his hand at serious cinema. After all, he played Norman Bates in the 1998 remake of Psycho. The movie was a complete bomb, though, a middle finger to Alfred Hitchcock and all he put into the original. Thankfully for him, his buddy Favreau wrote him into another movie, Made, and although it gained little critical traction, Vaughn again shined because he was in his element.

Others seemingly took notice this time. Todd Phillips cast him in Old School, to play a more grown up and suburban Trent, and then again for Starsky & Hutch. Unfortunately for Vaughn, Phillips didn’t again tap him for The Hangover. Maybe it’s because Vaughn was just too old for a prominent role. Maybe it’s because Vaughn was too busy with Couples Retreat, a film in which he played an even more grown up asshole. Either way, sucks for Vince.

Surprisingly, Vaughn has five projects in development. Chances of him playing an asshole in each: 100%. Chances of more than two seeing the light of day: approaching zero. There might always be a demand for natural assholes, but they’re less endearing to us when they’re older. Vaughn’s time is just about up. We’ll always have Old School and Wedding Crashers, but it’s unlikely that anyone asks, in 20 years, whatever happened to Vince Vaughn?

6. Dane Cook

College kids will laugh at anything raunchy. Add in a dose of punching sharks in the face, and you have the recipe for Dane Cook. He broke onto the comedy scene in 1998, but hit full mainstream in 2003 with Harmful If Swallowed. His humor played on his eccentric storytelling technique, and it went over well with college kids. The problem with that, of course, is that college kids eventually grow up and find that what they liked in college is pretty bad upon reflection. (see also: Mad Dog 20/20)

Things actually looked bright for Cook at one point. In 2005 he performed Vicious Circle, his first HBO Special. He followed that up with Tourgasm, a 20-show college tour that was also a pseudo documentary, also on HBO. Unfortunately, the show’s success was based on Cook and his crew being remotely interesting. They were not. The show brought few, if any, laughs, which was a shame, because audiences were already warmed up after Entourage and Lucky Louie.

Since then, a few directors gave Cook a chance in films, and each time he—and the film—disappointed. Employee of the Month came out in 2006 to horrible and deserved reviews. Which, of course, is a shock. Who would have thought a movie headlined by such film luminaries as Cook, Jessica Simpson, Dax Shepard, and Andy Dick could fall flat? His latest film, My Best Friend’s Girl, spelled the end for Cook. Again, he was underwhelming, but that’s expected of him at this point.

The best analogy for Cook is, in fact, Mad Dog 20/20. In college, it was the go-to liquor: cheap and effective, much like Cook’s laughs. Eventually, though, we outgrow our college tastes. Cheap and effective is no longer the ideal. We move on to better liquors, and we move on to better comedy. There will always be college kids, but there are a million Dane Cooks out there. He’ll soon be replaced by the next one.

5. Linsday Lohan

Yes, taking shots at Lohan is easy these days. She’s had her troubles, and the public loves a good Hollywood train wreck. But it’s particularly fitting for Lohan. She just looks the part of a coked-up Hollywood starlet. It’s like her life is part of a bigger movie. Innocent girl goes to Hollywood at a young age, finds mainstream success, and succumbs to the depravity of the town.

For Lohan, the story will not end with redemption. She has a few projects in the hopper, but unless one of them hits it big, expect Lohan to continue sliding downward. She hasn’t been in a good movie since Mean Girls, and even then it was the genius of Tina Fey, and the believability of Rachel McAdams that made that movie. Since then, it’s been a lot of muck. It’s doubtful that it ever gets better.

Still, it’s pretty clear now that Lohan’s exploits will keep her off lists for the most desirable projects. Then again, her acting skills and on-screen charisma might have already kept her out of those roles. And even if all of that didn’t keep her out, her declining looks surely will. Sure, people fawn over her now because she’s young and beautiful—though her beauty is debatable—but neither will be true in a few years. That will officially end any chances Lohan has of redemption.

4. The Jonas Brothers

Teenage boys across the country dream of becoming rock stars. Many of them go so far as to learn the instruments, and a select few are lucky enough to have parents cool enough to allow them to practice in the basement. Almost none make it, of course, but then again, almost none feature members who performed on Broadway at age seven. That’s Nick Jonas. It’s almost as if the Jonas Brothers got an unfair advantage.

At first glance, the Jonas Brothers seem like an act too big to fail. They’ve sold over eight million records, star in movies, and even have their own TV reality show. But, just like big Wall Street firms, the band’s size will end up causing their downfall. If you don’t believe me, just go ask the guys from ‘N Sync what they’re doing right now. Better yet, go hunt down the Backstreet Boys or, even better, 98 Degrees. Boy bands just don’t have staying power.

The biggest problem with the Jonas Brothers is that their music, to the mature ear, sucks. Sure, they appeal to young kids, but there’s a massive issue in dealing with that audience: They grow up. Eventually, kids realize the differences between good and shitty music and toss those shitty records into the trash bin (or drag the files into the Recycle Bin). Surely it happened to you when you were younger. Think of how many artists you loved as a 12-year-old that you wouldn’t deign to listen to today. That’s the Jonas Brothers.

Sure, they’ll continue on for a bit. Just as tweens get older, so do younger kids, so there will still be a market for their cookie cutter pop rock music. But they’ll lack that freshness that gimmick bands require. Pretty soon no one will care about their promise rings and clean lifestyle. Hell, pretty soon they might not care about it themselves. There’s always an expiration date for gimmick bands. The Jonas Brothers’s is coming up soon.

(And, unlike Russell Brand, I will not apologize for these remarks.)

3. Megan Fox

The hot girl always gets the most attention. It’s a fact of life, and the sooner you accept it, the easier you’ll get along. Megan Fox is the consummate hot girl. Dark-skinned, thin, beautiful — it’s the total package. Unfortunately, that’s pretty much all she has going for her. How many hot actresses have we seen come through the ranks, get big, and then crash? Too many to count. Soon we’ll be adding Megan Fox to the casualty list.

Some super hot actresses can fall back on their talent. Scarlett Johansson is beautiful, but she’s also quite a fine actress. Her career can flourish, because even after the young, horny male crowd tires of her, she’ll still be of value to directors. Not so with Fox. She’s probably more attractive than Johansson (“probably,” because there’s taste to account for), but will not approach Scarlett’s career.

Fox got her start on Hope & Faith, a TV show like most others. It stood out in no significant way, and will soon be forgotten. That’s just the nature of TV, though, which is why actors clamor to leave the medium and head to the silver screen. She did meet fiancé Brian Austin Green, b/k/a David Silver, so there’s always that. Unfortunately for Megan, she’ll soon be as obscure a reference as her future hubby. But hey, at least she looks better than Valerie.

Another problem with Fox: she hooks up with gimmicky writers and directors. Case in point: Transformers. Michael Bay brings nothing, absolutely nothing to the table. He has no artistic vision, and that was evident in both Transformers films. Fox is stuck with those abominations of film. Then, in her latest project, Jennifer’s Body, she hooked up with Diablo Cody. Juno was good for sure, but a movie is not judged by its quantity of pop culture references. Cody is a one-trick pony, and already it’s tired.

Thankfully, because of the Internet, we’ll always have images of a young, attractive Megan Fox. Will we need them, though? There will be someone just like Fox in Hollywood once everyone is over her.

2. Mario Lavendeira

How could we have a list of soon-to-be obscure celebrities without the guy who makes a living covering them? Better known as Perez Hilton, Lavendeira made his mark by loading up celebrity photos in MS Paint and adding white paintbrush strokes that look like cum. How fucking clever. The worst part is that he thinks this constitutes “commentary,” which would allow his use to fall under fair use regulations. That’s like me adding one note to “Eruption” and then uploading the song for all to hear.

Hilton might be one of the most deplorable human beings on the planet. He runs a site which covers people he envies, which leads to heavy criticism of some (Fergie of Black Eyed Peas) and fawning over others (Paris Hilton). Not that celebrity gossip needs to be evenhanded, but Hilton does himself no favors by picking on certain people more than others. In fact, this led to one of the ugliest incidents of his career. He actually called Black Eyed Peas’s will.i.am a faggot. No joke. An openly gay man who is so active in the gay community used that slur. Real standup guy there.

Speaking of being gay, apparently Hilton thinks that because he’s openly gay that all gay people should be, too. He has frequently outed celebrities like Lance Bass and Neil Patrick Harris. Clearly, he doesn’t believe in personal choice, and would rather everyone take cues from him. Again, he who called another man a faggot (and who he considered calling a n*****, which is clearly more deplorable). Oh, and he also claimed to have an exclusive report of Fidel Castro’s death, which was clearly not true, and also called Michael Jackson’s hospitalization a publicity stunt.

Infamy will keep Hilton going for a while, but pieces of shit always go belly up. Just as Vince Vaughn is the consummate asshole and Megan Fox is the consummate hot chick, Hilton is the consummate piece of shit. He has no credibility, and his infantile reporting tactics will soon wear on people. I wonder if his celebrity buddies will still like him when he can’t provide them with free publicity.

1. Adam Lambert

How Adam Lambert has a career I’ll never understand. Yes, he was the runner up in the 2009 American Idol, but even then it was clear he sucked. After all, he played a KISS medley as his final Idol performance. Everyone knows that KISS is the biggest joke in rock n roll, and prophetically enough, Lambert is destined for the same fate. How can we take seriously an artist (if we can call him that) who describes a form of music as a “rock-pop-electronic-dance thing”?

Lambert doesn’t even deserve the space of the rest of the group. He still has the hype of his Idol performance, but that will fade soon enough. Lambert appears to realize that, as he pulled a typical publicity stunt at the American Music Awards, getting rather sexual on stage with a keyboardist. “We’re in 2009,” he said. “It’s time to take risks, be a little more brave, time to open people’s eyes and if it offends them, then maybe I’m not for them. My goal was not to piss people off, it was to promote freedom of expression and artistic freedom.” No, it was to promote yourself, Adam. To insinuate otherwise is to assume that the people who listen to you are idiots.

Unfortunately, it appears this stunt worked, so we’ll likely see another one when Lambert starts to fade again. But, as we’ve learned through the years of celebrity PR stunts, each successive stunt will be less and less noticed. Lambert started his stunts early, so he’ll probably fade faster than the rest. That’s not a shame at all.

Too Easy

Obviously, celebrities like Paris Hilton and the Kardashian clan will fade from the public consciousness quickly as well. They’re just too easy, though. At least the above-mentioned folks actually do something. Hilton and the Kardashians do nothing but exist, making them much easier targets. We all know they’ll be gone soon, so no need to harp on it.

Note: As always, this is a parody and everything in it was completely made up. Every now and again we let The Cynic out of his cage so he can sharpen his claws. Although Style Cynics may not share some of the views expressed in this article we do find it bloody funny.